happy chinese new year
wishing everyone prosperity, good health, happiness and success.

totus tuus
with you wholeheartedly

thank you
for wipping my tears away
for putting a smile on my face

she was more that anything i could have expected
beautiful beyond words
the way she silently raised her head to gaze into my eyes
felt myself being drawn into the abyss of her dark eyes
and i lean forward to plant a kiss on her forehead.
she nuzzles me gently in reply and affection
and i feel my heart soar to the clouds
most importantly, she doesnt bark or lick excessively
(:
she likes me!

i need you because i love you

sometimes some little things will trigger my memory
506, peanut butter, road bikes
butter pecan
always butter pecan.
and then i will wait
for that wave of emotion to hit and overwhelm me but then it doesnt come
it always leaves me question the reality of everything that happend
and the depth of it all
and i cant help but wonder if all thats left in me is a cold empty space
or if i am just incapable of feeling?

was travelling on the train today
idly watching the expanse of green fields towering flats and glass offices race past me
when suddenly i was gripped with this intense fear
and i literally gasped in fright
it was just that sudden thought of the uncertainty of my future
how i was simply unable to see myself sitting at a desk in a suit
frantically typing away at a computer
or pouring over stacks of files..
somehow, i seemed so afraid that the only certain future i'd have would be roaming the streets in search of a job that i wouldnt even want anyway.

plead the fleeting moment to remain

there is just this silent beauty and granduer about the old churches that ones words can never seem to describe
because they just never seem to capture the essence of the emotion
i was glad to be back today
walking hesitantly down the long tiled asile that has probably seen about a million soles
having countless eyes look affectionately down on me from their pedestals high above
- their colour seems richer and deeper than i last remembered.
new paint job and i missed that old rustic ancient beauty bordering on dereliction
the marble altar gleaming in the distance
and the stained glass in all its brilliance was simply breath taking
but perhaps what touched my heart the most
was the peace tranquility and security of the moment
of know that i was indeed home.

in your world of girlish laughter, fast cars, the open night air and cigarette smoke...i guess i really do not exist

warning!
explicit content

need to bitch because i am currently damn FUCKING pissed off cos at the IDERT'S whim and fancy he has just decided to cancel the tutorial class and merge it with the OTHER classes. and since i cant freaking make the one on tuesday afternoon because i am having econs tutorial, i have go for monday's class which is either at 2 or 3 so that means that i have a FUCKING 2.5hour wait for a fucking hour long tutorial. ASSHOLE. and not to mention the fact that i now have a stupid break in the middle of the day on tuesdays as well. DICK.
yes i am PISSED off. he just FUCKED up my lovely timetable and i am DISTRESSED

and i dont understand why something always have to crop up whenever we have plans.
FUCK

why just sing with me at all?

because always it will all be in vain
the crystal raindrops fall
countless wounds beneath the surface
to them all you will always be oblivious
you simply dont see me
i'm just the shadow lingering in the background
the wind that can only briefly brush you
perhaps for a moment you pause and wonder
and something sparks at the back of your mind
but you cant call the image before your eyes
and once again its forgotten
you forget
and you will never see.

and i fade into nothingness

i have just spent the past two hours gloriously curled up on the couch, my head lost between the pages of the time travellers wife, despite the fact that i have a whole list of chores glaring at me from the mess ontop of my bed and around my feet as well as the tons of readings and tutorials that are screaming for my attention, and whose voices i am willfully and defiantly ignoring. i'm luxuriating in the silence and emptiness of my home, the coolness that the tiles seem to emit enjoying every moment of being here and now and not having to do anything in particular. i've missed the languid afternoons that seemingly strecth out endlessly before you and time slows to a crawl and the day is presented on a silver platter, a delectable dish to savour.

"why do you have to go where i cant follow?

she sits slumped on the steps waiting expectantly for his arrival
her head is heavy and her eyelids defy her orders to stay open by repeatedly shutting up
the porch light glows faintly at the window
and she strains her ears for footsteps or the creaking sound of the gate
the seconds tick by
her impatience and worry grow
the annoyance at being awaken from slumber has long since evaporated
replaced instead by enticapation and a silent joy at his return

without her glasses she can vaguely make out a figure at the gate
despite the fuzziness of the image she instinctively knows
and flys to the door
a wide smile spread across a lips as she swings it open

no hug
no smile
no kind word

he just brushes past her and makes his way to the room
and she is left standing there
staring out into the deserted street
feeling the emptiness draw her in
slowly encircling her
the orange glow of the street lamp becomes just a blur
a single tear courses silently down her cheek.

i love it when i'm crusing
alone in the car
windows down
the wind in my face, hear it roaring in my ears
and everything just seems to fly past me
and for a moment i can almost believe that if i keep going fast enough i can outrun everything and everyone that is chasing hot at my heels
at run away from everything into another place.

the waiting is driving me mad
but yet there is nothing else i can do
but sit here and hope and pray with every inch of my heart
i feel my pulse begin to race
and tears tease at the edge of my lids
that same feeling of helplessness that has overwhelmed me on so many occasions before
i refuse to fall prey to it again
i am no longer the same
i have fought so hard to kill that part of me
i will not let you win again.

today, in order to pay tribute to my teacher's efforts during the two hour long tutorial, for which i struggled to stay awake, at teaching us to use the comma, i shall try my best to make a concerted effort to correctly punctuate this long, confusing and largely senseless sentance.

first it was a swollen eye
and now a freaking swollen ankle -
yes i intelligently sprained it this afternoon and have to content myself with limping around like an idert
and throughout all this
my head and stomach have been revolting against me
causing great displeasure and pain
is this what happens to you when you body slowly degenerates and dies away?

the weather is just depressing
i need to swim
get a tan
get rid of my freaking FATS that seem to be building up at an alarming rate
thanks to uncontrolled eating
and delicious home cooked food that is irresistable.

its so fragile and delicate that it can only survive behind close doors
in the security of privacy and seclusion
away from the prying eyes of the word
a sweet secret sacared world
beyond that
it dies
and that is why it can never be

the lies we tell the world
and ourselves
in search of the truth

words elude me
i'm afraid even to say anything
cos it would spoil the beauty of the memory
i wanna preserve it in its entirety

well lovely evening
though i must confess that my feet let me down terribly
was blessed with catching sight of the lit up 'planes' flying across the night sky
swept up in the spirit of the crowd
felt the energy swirling around me and propelling me forward
i could almost have started dancing in the middle of the streets
watched the clouds as they sailed through the air
wishing that they would carry me along to
letting me drift above the world
playing among the stars
beneath the light of the moon.

a little unexpected i know
but i hope you like or will come to like the gift
LEARN to use it (:
and most importantly that you had a good evening
you know i love you

"You are both stars, don't forget.
And the stars exploded billions of years ago, to form everything that is this world.
Everything we know, is stardust.
So don't forget, you are stardust."

if only it were that simple and beautiful

okay i seriously need to get my head checked
am become damn freaking absent minded

*list of stupid things that happened to me today
1) left my wallet in school at the benches
2) thought i had lost my car keys that were actually in my bag
3) dropped one side of my NEW earrings - i am devastated
4) threw my ezlink card into the dustbin thinking that it was my cracked mirror
5) had to put my hand into the bin to retrieve my card

survived the first week of school
after getting accustomed once again to the early morning, long train rides
getting reaquainted with the familiar yet foreign faces
sitting through dreary lectures
(though i have to admit that my lecturers are pretty entertaining,
largely my fault cos i just cant freaking concentrate)
battling with the computer to settle my timetable and get my subjects registered
i am once again ready to take another semester head on.
i hope
i have fridays off (:

without as much as a whisper the new year has crept in
and life goes on just like it always does.

unfortunately, as much as i would like to begin it on a good note with a happy and joyous post, i cant seem to find that ounce of glee in me to do so.

its been less than 24hours but already i miss her terribly
the house seems so silent and empty
without her tottering around
sticking her head in at my door
the faint jingling of her anklet
and the loud resounding laughter and shrieks
i feel so lost and alone

am seriously becoming increasingly scatterbrained
postively need to make a concerted effort to remember to take care not to misplace my belongings
and acively remember where i have placed them...
i desperately need to stop losing things.
ARGH.